Let’s talk about the stomach bug…

Or rather, can we NOT talk about the stomach bug? Please?

We all have our demons. The fears and  phobias and obsessions that we struggle with every day and just can’t seem to shake. Some people are deathly afraid of heights, spiders, flying etc… Some crumble at the very thought of public speaking or highway driving. Some people obsess over their diet, body image and workouts. I personally have many (ie most of the above), however, I have a ridiculous amount of health anxiety, the most prominent is without a doubt my fear/phobia/obsession with the stomach bug. My ears perk up at the mention of pretty much any illness -and trust me,my hearing is really not that great- but if across a noisy crowded room you happen to mention any of my “trigger” words, you best believe I heard that shit and I am now completely tuned in and reading your lips.

And please,  for the love of God Becky, you have no idea what your facebook post about little Billy projectile vomiting at the kitchen table this morning has triggered over here.  Honestly, I’m still not fully recovered from the last time your family had it (June 2017). Maybe some people can keep scrolling and go about their day, but this girl is not one of them. I began connecting the dots in my head before I even finished reading your disgusting post. I’m now thinking of every person your family could have possibly been in contact with in the last 24 hours (because trust me,  I have done extensive research and I know for a fact that he was contagious -possibly for days- before the vomit happened) and how these contaminated people could expose my family . I’m playing out scenarios in my head of how this will go down…

Scenario A): It’s going to hit hard and fast. The next 3-4 days will be a total pukefest. We will be fighting over the bathrooms. We will get so sick we will all need to be hospitalized for dehydration.

Scenario B): It’s going to move through my family in agonizingly slow motion, one miserable victim at a time, which could mean 6-8 weeks over here!  

Scenario C): The most likely scenario. Nobody in my family actually gets sick but I waste DAYS (weeks) of my life making everyone in our home completely neurotic and paranoid.

Within minutes of seeing your post I have worked myself into a state of nauseated hysteria.

OH, and now everyone is commenting on your post. Awesome. And of course I can’t tear myself away. I know I should stop reading, but it’s too late.  I’m all in now. According to Carol “it’s going around” and “it’s a bad one”.


OH

MY

GOD

WTF Carol??

I am officially losing my shit. I’m nauseous and clammy and pretty sure I have a fever. I spend the rest of the morning researching and making mental preparations for the next few weeks…just in case…

It’s now lunchtime and I can’t tell if the burning sensation in my stomach is nausea or hunger but I think I might be hungry. That’s a good sign. Maybe I overreacted a little. After all, my family is very cautious. I pride myself on the little army of germaphobes I’ve created. Maybe we will get through this unscathed.  We have an impressive track record after all.

Two years ago when we were having our hardwood floors refinished, my four daughters and I stayed in a local hotel to avoid the fumes.  At 3am little Ella woke me up by saying “Mommy I think I’m going to throw up”. THIS, my friends, is my personal worst case scenario. I lose sleep before family vacations and romantic weekend getaways and pretty much anything out of my everyday comfort zone  in fear of myself or the kids getting sick in a strange place. And since we are home 99% of the time, what are the actual chances? Fortunately, she made it to the toilet. Unfortunately I was not prepared and did not have my supplies with me (rubber gloves, Clorox wipes, paper towels, antibacterial soap). I managed to keep it contained to only Ella, but the entire situation scarred me for life.  

Then, last year we had family friends over for some pizza and drinks. Just as they were getting ready to go home, their daughter came into the kitchen and randomly puked in the middle of my floor. We all froze and I’ll never forget her mom, who happens to be a good friend and KNOWS me and my issues, just kind of chuckled and said “Seriously, of all the houses to get sick at…” and we all laughed and laughed. And then I told them to GTFO.

My well trained oldest daughter Taylor and I were ready with our rubber gloves, Clorox wipes and paper towels and we disinfected as if the entire house had been vomited on. Then I obsessed for the next couple days, texted her mom for hourly updates, continued my compulsive cleaning, drove myself and everyone else completely crazy…and in the end nobody got sick.

Maybe it’s the not knowing that freaks me out the most. With other illnesses you have warning signs. You start to feel crappy and usually have enough time to get home to your bed. Nobody wants to go from zero to barfo in the middle of a traffic jam and I certainly don’t want to be hugging the toilet at my local home depot. If I know “it’s going around and it’s a bad one” I can’t stop worrying that it could hit at any time.

According to Facebook and my mother,  it’s ALWAYS going around, so I wish we could just stop posting about it, Becky.

And with that I’m off to wash my hands! You should do the same.

– Dee

3 thoughts on “Let’s talk about the stomach bug…

  1. Thank you so much for starting this blog. We all need a little humor we can relate to in our everyday lives. I am looking forward to your next ‘rant’.

  2. Omg I’m sorry, but I think I may have just died laughing at this! At least it was a get free death so you don’t have to worry about it too much ☺️

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